Ring Out The Old; Ring In The New

I don't know about you, but I always look forward to the first day of January. I really couldn't care less about New Years Eve and I find that the usual festivities of the New Year celebrations are generally ridiculous and, for me at least, contradictory to the general purpose of the celebration. The thought of going out and drinking obscene amounts of alcohol, waking up with a headache and pictures of any stupid behavior circulating on the Internet, just makes my head swirl...

OK, so I'm a bit of a party pooper I guess. For me, celebrating the New Year is representative of how I hope to spend the New Year. I have a habit of perusing my new, clean, empty calendar...in this case, the calendar for 2012. I love to see which days of the week certain dates fall on and as I turn from month to month, I visualize the anticipated events of each block of days. I see flowers peeking their tiny heads out of snow covered ground welcoming a new season. I see the excitement in the eyes of my *precious* grandchildren as they turn one year older, start school, learn to ride bikes, swim, skate and consume every new second with excitement and wonder. I also see anniversaries; some joyful, some sad. I feel the beloved sun warming my face, visualize amazing vacations, then the leaves filling in on the branches of the old willows in my yard, and then the leaves falling, creating a huge mess on my lawn and the eventual return to the excitement and anticipation of yet another season of the Holidays..Cycles....you get the point.

Each time that I look at all of these blank squares, the starkness of the emptiness hits me and I realize what a HUGE blessing my new calendar is. Each day is blank, clean, fresh and waiting for me fill it up! I have the choice, each day, to fill it with goodness, excitement, growth and progression, happiness, joy, peace, service and love OR, I have the choice to squander each precious moment wallowing in my own self-pity, wasting precious time filling it with useless, senseless things. Every year, I am faced with these choices...it becomes a sort of responsibility to me.

Those of you who know me, know that I don't set your typical New Years Resolutions. I do set goals, but I have found that disappointment and let-down often accompany my ever well intentioned resolutions. So, instead, I have adopted one Word that I try to center on as a focus for all that I do. For every decision I make and every action that I take. This is something that I seriously contemplate and ponder because it will be my companion for 365 days and will hold me accountable for my entire life experience in 2012...

So after much thought and prayer, my word is: BALANCE

Life offers so many changes. As I fill in my 2012 calendar with the known plans, I also realize that in an instant those plans can (and usually will) be changed. Each square represents a day in my life that hasn't yet been lived and if, God willing, I am still around to live that particular square, I want it to count. I have struggled with Balance in 2011. My life took some huge detours; some were anticipated, others were complete shockers. As a commuter trying to balance life in two different states, its only fitting that this is my new word. I have faltered in this area and hope to improve immensely.

So as I ring out the old and lay it to rest, I look forward to ringing in the new and anticipating the challenges, joys, triumphs and even sorrows that are waiting for me to embrace. Through it all, I hope to emerge stronger and more vibrant. I hope to fill each day with uplifting, inspirational material that will hold my hand as I walk with Balance through my journeys and to my destinations of life.

I pray that we all have a 2012 filled with Peace, Love, Happiness, Endurance, Prosperity, Health and Total Joy. It's inevitable that we will all be tried and tested, but may we all rise triumphant and emerge stronger, wiser and more fulfilled than ever! God Bless...

Updates

Christmas has come and gone but the spirit of Christmas still permeates the air. I was scheduled to fly over the holidays which I was TOTALLY OK with because I worked it out to be home on the 26th for three days. As someone who has been in the airline industry for many many years, working on Christmas had become the norm. But boy, this year things changed in an instant...

As mentioned in my previous post, I was injured on the 16th of December while working a flight. This resulted in several doctors appointments and so far, three physical therapy sessions. While it was very nice to be home for Christmas, it was very different to say the least. I've decided that a back injury is different from any other kind of injury. I've never experienced pain like this before. One moment I feel fine, the next moment I have a searing, burning pain that shoots up and down my back, absolutely leveling me for at least an hour. I am happy to report that physical therapy has made a HUGE difference in the way I feel. The first doctor tht I saw in San Francisco gave me ibuprofen 600 and told me to come back in a week. Fortunately, I didn't wait a week but instead, as soon as I got back to Utah, went to my own doctor who had the foresight to send me to PT. I am doing much better and hope to get back to work this weekend...but it's up to my doc.

Christmas was very nice. It was difficult without my daddy and his absence was truly felt, but I have a wonderful family and it was great to be with them. I love them all. We didn't see all of our family members and they were missed. I'm glad to have the "Firsts" almost over with...my dad's first birthday, first Thanksgiving and now the first Christmas. Someone said that the only anecdote for pain is never having loved. As painful as it is to lose a loved one, how very thankful I am to feel the pain of loss...

I am looking forward to the new year, as I always do. It's always good to feel like I have a clean slate. I'm still thinking about my "word" for 2012...there are a few that I am tossing around. More about that later...

2011 has been a strange year. It has been good but not without it's challenges. Maybe that's just how life is. Maybe that's a good thing.

So that's it. Life is strange, but it's good and it's worth it. Challenges come and go. I'm trying to learn patience and endurance. A great man once said, "I'm grateful for the challenges I've not yet received." (Hugh B. Brown) I wish I could feel the same way.

Christmas is Coming!

With the Holidays Season in full swing, so much has been running through my mind. First and foremost, I have been concerned about how I will get all of the shopping done for my loved ones being based in Portland and flying back and forth on full flights, space available. Of course I love to bake and my concern has been how to get that accomplished. Finally, I have been wondering if I could even feel the spirit of Christmas as I am forced to be away from my family and friends during the best time of the year.

Yesterday, I was was working a flight from Portland to San Francisco. Everything was going smoothly and I was looking forward to deadheading back to Portland--which means, I only worked one leg then was a passenger going back. As we were descending into San Francisco, I was securing the galley and putting the beverage cart away. Our galley is super small and the cart is super heavy. I have done this particular thing thousands of times over my career with Delta and now SkyWest...no biggie...until yesterday!

Just as I was pushing it and turning it into its slot, one of the wheels locked up and apparently I was putting my weight into it at the same time. I felt a "pop" in my back on the left side. It was mildly uncomfortable but I thought nothing of it...that is, until I sat in my jump seat (which is NOT comfortable to begin with). All of a sudden this "mild" pain became a sharp, piercing, hot pain shooting down my back into my left hip. Of course we landed and sat on the tarmac for what seemed like hours...it was an unusually long time because we arrived early. As I was facing ALL of my passengers, I maintained a Nothing-Is-Wrong-With-My-Back-Smile...I was dying!!

I spoke with my Chief Flight Attendant who promptly sent me to an on-site clinic at the SFO airport. I waited for my turn (writhing in pain at this point) for what seemed to be an eternity, then was escorted into an exam room that felt more like a 52° meat locker and literally waited 1 hour and 10 minutes to be seen...

The doctor, who looked like an American Geisha Girl with soft, supple girlie hands, pink lips, rosy cheeks and luscious eyelashes looks at my back, has me twist and bend a few times, tells me this kind of an injury is slow to heal and then gives me a bottle of Ibuprofen 600! He tells me no lifting, pushing or pulling for at least 1 week until he can see me again and no flying. As he walks out of our 42 second exam, he says "I'll see you next Friday!" Uh, NOT...I'll follow up with my sweet Dr. Pitts, in Heber City, Utah thank you very much...

So I'm home. At least until next Friday and more than likely longer than that. I am SO FRUSTRATED!! Argh...!!

This means an OJI (on the job injury) with NO pay to my already minuscule paycheck. Great timing, right before Christmas...on the upside, I will more than likely be home for Christmas Eve/Day, but I was scheduled to be home on the 26th-28th as it was, so not a huge deal.

I will probably be home for the remainder of the Christmas holiday. My back is better this morning but Dr. Geisha Girl said it will flare up and to stop what I'm doing when this happens and lay down immediately.

On another note: A few Random things...

I am doing well with the passing of my daddy, but I have had a few days where I become completely teary at anything and everything. Days where I miss him more than I ever could have imagined and just long for him to take his poor little gnarly hand in mine, look me in the eyes with his cock-eyed baby blues and tell me how wonderful I am...because that's how he was! I miss the sound of his voice, his cute southern expressions and his oh-so-wise counsel. I just want to hear his voice one more time! You can never tell someone you love that you love them enough! He died with the absolute assurance that we all loved and adored him. Nothing more could have been said. It's like I told my mother, you can say "good-by" over and over but eventually, someone has to "hang up the phone". That's how it was for us with my dad. How blessed we all are to have had such an amazing father and patriarch of our home! His legacy of love and leadership will live on and I will forever be thankful and can never thank my Heavenly Father enough for sending me such great parents...

Another random event: My daughter is a single mother. She lives 4 houses away from me and raises 3 perfectly beautiful *little* ones as a single mother who is putting herself through school full-time. She struggles with her health and struggles with making ends meet. The other day she called to tell me that she had spent the morning so worried about how to get through the month (financially) with Christmas coming. She had agonized over how to pay certain bills and where to find money to buy groceries. She was totally stressed. She went outside to get her mail. About an hour later, she saw the mail lady stop by again and felt concern that maybe she was getting served or something. So she tentatively went out to her mailbox, picked up another stack of mail and went inside. She opened a few Christmas cards, had a few advertising fliers and saw one more envelope with no return address, only a postmark from our local town. The handwriting was not familiar but was pretty like a woman had written it. She opened it...inside was a cashiers check made out to her for...$500.00!!

She was so shocked, that she immediately took it over to my hubs to make sure that it was a real check! He assured her that it was. She was/is completely humbled and touched that someone would be so generous and kind to a struggling single mother with 3 precious little ones during the season of giving! As she was relaying this story to me, tears filled my eyes. What a sweet gesture that changed her month completely! Her biggest thing was that she was driving herself crazy with who could have possibly done this. She felt like she HAD to know or she would go nuts. I gently reprimanded her and told her to be gracious in her acceptance of this "manna from an angel/s". To do them honor by using the money wisely and share her thankful heart by passing it forward...not by giving $500.00, but by living her life as the Savior would want her to. By serving others and loving everyone. By helping out however she can.

It really doesn't matter the size of the check. In this case it was phenomenal, but the thought that someone gave generously of their substance to someone in need is touching and captures the real spirit of Christmas. I pray that the person/s responsible will know how grateful we all are at their selfless expressions of care, concern and love for a poor single mother with little mouths to feed. God Bless Them!

And Finally...
My neighbor called my hubs last Thursday evening as he was getting ready to attend a dinner for our local Boosters committee (we're both on the committee). She was panicked as her husband  (who was recovering from a recent hip surgery) was ill and hallucinating. Brad immediately dropped everything, ran over and helped get him to the hospital. Then he stayed into the late hours of the night just to be there to help with whatever needed to be done. His gift of time was every bit as valuable as any check and his willingness to give up a nice evening with dear friends, was evidence of who he is as a man and a great neighbor. I love him so much and am so thankful that he is the generous man that he is.

There is so much to be thankful for. My back is not in the best of shape, but this too shall pass. I have a head cold on top of my back, but that is temporary and I'm already beginning to feel a bit better. Christmas is here! It's not just on the 24th and 25th. It's right now! It's the sharing of not only gifts, but of love and care and concern and unselfish gestures.

 I pray that all of you have a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate. I hope that your hearts are open to not only the giving but to the receiving of gifts. May God bless you all...

I Surrender!!

OK, so I'm a pretty positive person and I really try to see the good in all things. Having said that, I have struggled with being based in Portland and away from my hubs, children and my *Littles*. I miss my mother, my sister and all my family, friends and associates in my small town. But...

I am trying to see the blessings, and there are many. I have a great job. I will one day get my transfer and be based in SLC. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have a safe place to stay in Portland. Rent in PDX is very reasonable. I have my health. I love my Crash pad mates. I have a beautiful, comfortable home in Utah. And on and on and on...

Having said all of that, it is still difficult to leave and head back to Portland each week. Sometimes I cry and always, I am depressed about leaving home. My hubs has been amazingly supportive and has listened ad nauseum to me whine about being away from home, wanting my transfer and contemplating weekly, about packing up and staying home. He's a trooper!

I just finished adding a book called, "The Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls (one good thing, I have plenty of time to read and have blasted through 4 books in three weeks!) anyway, it's her true story of her childhood. She and her siblings endured more hardships and unbelievable situations due to the incredible distfuncttion of her alcoholic father and less than stable mother. It made me stop and think...

Life is unpredictable. This is not a new fact. It's full of ups and downs, uncharted paths, bumpy roads, mountains to climb and valleys to climb out of. As I get older, I guess I expected to settle and live a more leisurely life of stability and relative comfort. Silly me!!

Most of us have been taught all of our lives to love one another, endure to the end and basically, come what may and love it. But sometimes life and love doesn't comp packed the way we want or expect it to come. Sometimes fear sets in and has to be set aside to make room for faith in order to help us grow and achieve or maybe even claim the blessings that are inevitably waiting for us at the end of each trial. That's easily written in this simple little blog, hard to do.

"Surrender".

What a great word, don't you think? I used to look at this word as a word indicating weakness. I thought of it as giving up or quitting...now I think it's exactly the opposite. Bear with me...

For me personally, I've had to learn to surrender to facts.
#1 I am based in Portland until my company decides to open Salt Lake back up. There's NOTHING I can do to change that.
#2 I have no control of the trips that I am assigned or even if I am assigned a trip or not.
#3 No amount of whining, crying or complaining is going to change #1 and #2...

Now granted, I can choose to eliminate this HUGE stressed in my life by resigning and going home, but would that ultimately give me what want or need? My only altnative is to surrender and accept things as they are. Accept that I am doing what's ultimately right for my family and that enduring these trials will build backbone and character. Even at my age, I still have room to grow and areas that need massive reinforcement.

My mother finds blessings in everything because she searches for them. She is grateful and eternally optimistic, always looking at the bigger picture. What a great example. At the times when I have been confronted with the most doubts, it has felt like flies swarming in my head. I have had to swat them away with prayer. I have had to surrender. After all, if I don't decide for myself what I want for my life, someone else will. And just because I have made certain decisions, doesn't make them easy or without challenges...especially when I know that they are right decisions.

I have learned that it's a good thing that God isn't limited by what we have in mind for ourselves. His plans are much bigger, we just tend to throw in road blocks and detours on our journey. Again, surrender...

I will get through this. I LOVE my job, I'm just struggling with the present circumstances. I can see the future and it's great, maybe that's why the here and now is so hard. I am surrendering. All things must pass and I will be triumphant!