Praying for a Miracle

I haven't posted for a while for good reason...

This past Saturday night, my precious granddaughter, Stella who is 5 years old, was admitted to the ICU at our wonderful Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City, with RSV. Most kids have outgrown the possibility of contracting this virus by the age of 2-3, but Stella was born with a compromised immune system.

By Monday, she was diagnosed with Fungal Pneumonia, which is a rare form of pneumonia and is fought by our bodies T-cells....the ones Stella was born without. She is one sick little girl!

By Tuesday, she looked pretty rough and was very, very sick. She was not responding to any meds or treatments and Infectious Disease specialists were called in. My heart just about fell to the floor and, for the first time in my entire life, I felt no hope...I've never really experienced that before and I am ashamed to say that I even went there...maybe my faith is not as strong as I thought it was.

She has seen more needles, tubes, been poked and prodded and through it all, she has been a real trooper. Her fever has been high, she is on 100% oxygen and only able to keep her levels up to about 92% (should be 100%) and her heart rate was fluctuating between 160-185...way too high.

I called my daughter, Brittany, who lives in Idaho, on the way home from the hospital. We bawled our eyes out together. In a weird way, it helped to just cry with someone who is as invested as I am. Britt has two beautiful, amazing children and her heart was breaking along with mine. I love her so much and am so thankful I have her to lean on!

Now, Stella has a feeding tube that was originally placed directly into her intestines. She was more responsive today and I managed to get a few smiles out of her...an impossibility yesterday.
Her preschool class made her cards and her two best friends, Elle and Jaydn brought the cards and some fun gifts to her today. Of course, they weren't allowed to come upstairs which broke their hearts, but they proudly gave them to Aja and Stella was beaming when she opened each card.

I have never prayed so hard in my entire life! I have begged the Lord to heal this precious angel and to let her stay with us longer upon the earth. I know that I am selfish, but I can't even allow myself to think of losing her...it breaks my heart.

As my hubs and I were preparing for our prayer this morning, he asked me to offer the prayer. I sobbed! I told Heavenly Father that I wanted to have faith and I wanted to accept His will, but I also told Him that I was struggling with that. I want my faith to be strong but am realizing how very weak it can be. It's easy to say, "Thy will be done" when it's not THAT big of a deal, but when it comes to life and death, it's the most difficult phrase I have ever uttered! It made me realize that I take that for granted and I asked myself if I have really meant it in the past...

Last night, my ward (congregation) sent out massive emails and began a Ward Fast on behalf of this precious little girl. My phone "blew up" with loving texts offering their love, support and prayers. Even the youth of our ward fasted for her and sent their love. I was SO completely overwhelmed and humbled by the generous offerings of food, daycare for the other two kids and just general "what can I do to help?" questions.

This morning I awoke (after a pretty sleepless night) with a lighter heart. I felt the power of all of these prayers. I KNOW that all of the prayers from all of my friends, regardless of religious persuasion, have been received on the other side. They have lifted me and have sustained me. I actually felt some hope today and I feel much stronger.

I don't know what lies ahead. All I know is that today was a better day than yesterday. I know that Stella's future is in the hands of the Lord. I will continue to pray and even plead with a kind and merciful Heavenly Father, that He will protect this little girl and provide the comfort to endure whatever comes her way.

I Surrender!!

OK, so I'm a pretty positive person and I really try to see the good in all things. Having said that, I have struggled with being based in Portland and away from my hubs, children and my *Littles*. I miss my mother, my sister and all my family, friends and associates in my small town. But...

I am trying to see the blessings, and there are many. I have a great job. I will one day get my transfer and be based in SLC. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have a safe place to stay in Portland. Rent in PDX is very reasonable. I have my health. I love my Crash pad mates. I have a beautiful, comfortable home in Utah. And on and on and on...

Having said all of that, it is still difficult to leave and head back to Portland each week. Sometimes I cry and always, I am depressed about leaving home. My hubs has been amazingly supportive and has listened ad nauseum to me whine about being away from home, wanting my transfer and contemplating weekly, about packing up and staying home. He's a trooper!

I just finished adding a book called, "The Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls (one good thing, I have plenty of time to read and have blasted through 4 books in three weeks!) anyway, it's her true story of her childhood. She and her siblings endured more hardships and unbelievable situations due to the incredible distfuncttion of her alcoholic father and less than stable mother. It made me stop and think...

Life is unpredictable. This is not a new fact. It's full of ups and downs, uncharted paths, bumpy roads, mountains to climb and valleys to climb out of. As I get older, I guess I expected to settle and live a more leisurely life of stability and relative comfort. Silly me!!

Most of us have been taught all of our lives to love one another, endure to the end and basically, come what may and love it. But sometimes life and love doesn't comp packed the way we want or expect it to come. Sometimes fear sets in and has to be set aside to make room for faith in order to help us grow and achieve or maybe even claim the blessings that are inevitably waiting for us at the end of each trial. That's easily written in this simple little blog, hard to do.

"Surrender".

What a great word, don't you think? I used to look at this word as a word indicating weakness. I thought of it as giving up or quitting...now I think it's exactly the opposite. Bear with me...

For me personally, I've had to learn to surrender to facts.
#1 I am based in Portland until my company decides to open Salt Lake back up. There's NOTHING I can do to change that.
#2 I have no control of the trips that I am assigned or even if I am assigned a trip or not.
#3 No amount of whining, crying or complaining is going to change #1 and #2...

Now granted, I can choose to eliminate this HUGE stressed in my life by resigning and going home, but would that ultimately give me what want or need? My only altnative is to surrender and accept things as they are. Accept that I am doing what's ultimately right for my family and that enduring these trials will build backbone and character. Even at my age, I still have room to grow and areas that need massive reinforcement.

My mother finds blessings in everything because she searches for them. She is grateful and eternally optimistic, always looking at the bigger picture. What a great example. At the times when I have been confronted with the most doubts, it has felt like flies swarming in my head. I have had to swat them away with prayer. I have had to surrender. After all, if I don't decide for myself what I want for my life, someone else will. And just because I have made certain decisions, doesn't make them easy or without challenges...especially when I know that they are right decisions.

I have learned that it's a good thing that God isn't limited by what we have in mind for ourselves. His plans are much bigger, we just tend to throw in road blocks and detours on our journey. Again, surrender...

I will get through this. I LOVE my job, I'm just struggling with the present circumstances. I can see the future and it's great, maybe that's why the here and now is so hard. I am surrendering. All things must pass and I will be triumphant!