I Surrender!!

OK, so I'm a pretty positive person and I really try to see the good in all things. Having said that, I have struggled with being based in Portland and away from my hubs, children and my *Littles*. I miss my mother, my sister and all my family, friends and associates in my small town. But...

I am trying to see the blessings, and there are many. I have a great job. I will one day get my transfer and be based in SLC. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have a safe place to stay in Portland. Rent in PDX is very reasonable. I have my health. I love my Crash pad mates. I have a beautiful, comfortable home in Utah. And on and on and on...

Having said all of that, it is still difficult to leave and head back to Portland each week. Sometimes I cry and always, I am depressed about leaving home. My hubs has been amazingly supportive and has listened ad nauseum to me whine about being away from home, wanting my transfer and contemplating weekly, about packing up and staying home. He's a trooper!

I just finished adding a book called, "The Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls (one good thing, I have plenty of time to read and have blasted through 4 books in three weeks!) anyway, it's her true story of her childhood. She and her siblings endured more hardships and unbelievable situations due to the incredible distfuncttion of her alcoholic father and less than stable mother. It made me stop and think...

Life is unpredictable. This is not a new fact. It's full of ups and downs, uncharted paths, bumpy roads, mountains to climb and valleys to climb out of. As I get older, I guess I expected to settle and live a more leisurely life of stability and relative comfort. Silly me!!

Most of us have been taught all of our lives to love one another, endure to the end and basically, come what may and love it. But sometimes life and love doesn't comp packed the way we want or expect it to come. Sometimes fear sets in and has to be set aside to make room for faith in order to help us grow and achieve or maybe even claim the blessings that are inevitably waiting for us at the end of each trial. That's easily written in this simple little blog, hard to do.

"Surrender".

What a great word, don't you think? I used to look at this word as a word indicating weakness. I thought of it as giving up or quitting...now I think it's exactly the opposite. Bear with me...

For me personally, I've had to learn to surrender to facts.
#1 I am based in Portland until my company decides to open Salt Lake back up. There's NOTHING I can do to change that.
#2 I have no control of the trips that I am assigned or even if I am assigned a trip or not.
#3 No amount of whining, crying or complaining is going to change #1 and #2...

Now granted, I can choose to eliminate this HUGE stressed in my life by resigning and going home, but would that ultimately give me what want or need? My only altnative is to surrender and accept things as they are. Accept that I am doing what's ultimately right for my family and that enduring these trials will build backbone and character. Even at my age, I still have room to grow and areas that need massive reinforcement.

My mother finds blessings in everything because she searches for them. She is grateful and eternally optimistic, always looking at the bigger picture. What a great example. At the times when I have been confronted with the most doubts, it has felt like flies swarming in my head. I have had to swat them away with prayer. I have had to surrender. After all, if I don't decide for myself what I want for my life, someone else will. And just because I have made certain decisions, doesn't make them easy or without challenges...especially when I know that they are right decisions.

I have learned that it's a good thing that God isn't limited by what we have in mind for ourselves. His plans are much bigger, we just tend to throw in road blocks and detours on our journey. Again, surrender...

I will get through this. I LOVE my job, I'm just struggling with the present circumstances. I can see the future and it's great, maybe that's why the here and now is so hard. I am surrendering. All things must pass and I will be triumphant!