Walls & Bridges

In the last post I did on my son and his addictions a few months ago, I  mentioned that I had built a fortress around my heart where he was concerned. This is something that has really troubled me, but when you are the mother of a drug addict and have been lied to, stolen from and completely deceived in ways that are too numerous to mention, it's difficult not to protect yourself from more pain.

I am thrilled to say that I am now starting to build a bridge from my heart to his! I received a call last month from some random number. Generally I am hesitant to answer such calls but I felt that for some reason, I needed to answer this one. It was Tyler, my beautiful boy, who sounded hesitant to talk to me. When I asked who's phone he was using, he said he didn't want to say so I dropped it (I mean, who cares? He called me and that's all that mattered!)

After speaking with him a few minutes, he came clean and proceeded to tell me that he had checked himself into a rehab facility and would be there 7 days to detox...7 days will detox the chemicals from his body, but will NOT detox his mind from using...I was frustrated because he has been in rehab before and has used the very day he got out...but something was different in his voice. He asked me if I could come down to visit him the next day.

I did just that. As I drove down the mountain, my head was racing with all kinds of thoughts. I was anxious to see him again (it had been several months) but at the same time I felt...guarded. The intense emotional pain that this precious soul has brought into my life and the lives of my girls has, at times, seemed unbearable. I shed a few tears, but made it safely to the facility only to find out that I missed visiting hours by TWO minutes. I plead with the sweet little girl at the front desk to call up and see if I could just have 5 minutes with my son. She was so understanding and did just that...I was in.

My heart began to race as I walked down the seemingly endless hall and faced the locked doors. As I pushed the intercom button, I could see through the heavy glass doors and I saw him! He was waiting at the door for my arrival and had a huge smile on his face. Tears flooded my eyes as I saw my baby boy locked in this madhouse of dysfunctional people who are struggling for their very lives.

As the door was opened, he ran to me like an anxious 3 year old, and hugged me like he has never hugged me before. I melted into his arms and felt more love from him than I have in years. He was so grateful to see me. We went into a room with 2 chairs and he began to tell me the devastating details of his latest escapades in the dark world of drugs and addictions. We both cried as we held each others hands and I listened intently as he continued to recount the dark days of the past few days, months or even years...I don't really know, he just talked and it was good.

We only had about 8 minutes before we were interrupted by his doctor who was making her rounds. I politely excused myself, had one last embrace and reached up to kiss his cheek. As my lips touched the scruffy skin of his face, I was surprised to feel how cold it felt and a shiver went up my spine. As the doors closed and locked behind me, I walked out of his sight, turned the corner and dropped to my knees consumed by huge heaving sobs. I was haunted by the coldness of his skin and pictured him lying in a casket in a funeral home somewhere. It was a morbid, horrible thought, but very real and it shook me to my core. At that very moment I knew that he will die if he doesn't get this problem worked out.

We spoke later that day and I relayed to him my feelings of his impending death. He listened and told me that he too realized that death was the next step if he didn't get help. I expressed to him my doubts about 7 days of rehab...it is NOT A VIABLE OPTION. So we spoke of God.

This boy was raised in a strong, religious home with a strong belief in God. His judgments have become clouded and unfortunately God has been pushed out of his life by the choices he has made. So I proceeded to admonish him to "find God, I don't care where, just find Him or you will be dead!" I pleaded with him to listen to me and trust me when I tell him that he HAD to find an outpatient group that will support him and help him work some sort of a 12 step program. I know they can work and I know that Ty can overcome this hideous addiction, but I know that he can ONLY do it if he rebuilds his relationship with the Lord and turns his life over to him.

I am happy to say that since he has been out, he is now actively going to meetings; HA (Heroin Anonymous), CA (Cocaine Anonymous) and AA. He attends 5-6 nights a week and he is working the program.

I know with all my heart that total sobriety is possible, but I also know that he has a very long road to go down and that 6 months, 1 year even 2 years clean is not a lot...the ugly head of the monster is always around the corner and waiting to consume him. But, he is on his way and this time he is taking the right steps in the right direction to find the help he needs. Make no mistake, he has been clean before for long periods of time (1 year +) and he has relapsed, but he has never before gone to any sort of outpatient support and I am proud of him.

So now he takes it one day at a time.  We talk almost everyday (we used to speak maybe once every couple of months) and we really talk now. He shares his heart and I share mine which is so full of love for this child. I hope I can post again in several months and report that he is still clean and sober...not sure if I can, but I will continue to pray and put my trust in the Lord that He will help this beautiful boy regain/reclaim his life. But the one thing I know is that the bridge from my heart to his is being built and it feels so much better than living behind the walls of the fortress.