As you all may know, my son, Tyler, is a recovering heroin addict/alcoholic. This has been a 10 year process filled with unmeasurable tears, angst, worry, agony, pain, betrayal and blah, blah, blah...you've heard it all before from me. I will say, it's also been 10 years of struggling with faith, waning hope, sleepless nights filled with pleading prayers to a merciful Father in heaven and endless love for a precious boy who has potential, qualities and attributes that I could only hope to posess!
So now I'll brag a bit!! Ty has hit a milestone and is about to hit another one. He is more than 1 year sober from alcohol, he quit smoking and on the 28th of this month, he will hit 1 year of being clean from the hideous beast called heroin! Boy-oh-boy do I admire and respect this hero...YES! He's my hero! After all, who do you know who has overcome something as gripping as a drug addiction? To me, he displays immense strength and tenacity. He has openly admitted that he still fights urges at times, but what's important is, he FIGHTS!
A few months ago he stopped by our house (I've posted about this before but didn't go into depth.) We were having a family gathering and as is common, he came in, said hello and promptly left. I thought nothing of it since he attends AA/NA meetings every night, is a full time student and works
two jobs...about an hour later, he stopped by again. This time, everyone had left except Natalie, our
cute daughter and he asked if he could speak to me alone. Old patterns smacked me in the face and I admit, I was nervous...we went outside and sat on the front porch. I looked at him and could see pain in his eyes. Fear and worry flodded my emotions and my heart stopped for a few seconds. He took a breath and proceeded to tell me that he owed me an apology...what transpired for the next 45 minutes was precious and I will NEVER forget one of the greatest moments of my entire life.
He told me that he had had a spat with one of his sisters earlier that day. It was really over nothing important, but when he stopped by the first time, he didn't want to stay because she was over and he was still upset with her. That's why he left so abruptly. He told me that when he got into his car he immediately called his sponsor. Then he told me he was on step #4 of his 12 step program. I asked him what Step 4 was, he explained and then I listened...and listened...and that boy taught me something that day! It is about accepting responsibility for everything in your life without blaming others. And that's what he did. He spoke as a giant! He spoke eloquently and clearly. We cried together and we laughed together but most importantly, we loved together. My heart swelled with love and compassion as I have never before felt. I could hardly contain it. He spoke of God, of Jesus Christ, of faith and of hope. He thanked me for his upbringing and he praised me for my motherhood! He shared with me that during his darkest moments, he had held on to the religious foundation that I tried so hard to instill in him...he touched my heart.
He was humble. He was broken. He was healing. I tearfully and quite sadly admitted to him that I didn't know how to be his mother anymore. So many walls had been put up between us and, although they have been torn down, so much had changed and I just didn't know how to be his mother. How to rebuild...It was heart-wrenching to admit. He took my hand and admitted that he wasn't even sure how to be my son, but that together we would find the answers. What I realized in that moment was that I may not have known how to be his mother, but Heavenly Father ALWAYS knows how to be his father and that gives me great comfort. He taught me that it is OK to be vulnerable. He was honest and sincere in his expressions.
So today our relationship is blossoming. We speak lovingly. Trust has found it's way back into our lives. He is working at a rehab center which is perfect because he is in school to become a drug counselor. He finished his first semester of college with a 3.2 GPA and he is living on his own, paying his own way, admits that each day is a challenge and finding joy in the journey. He is responsible, caring and trying to give back. I have many stories for another post about this amazing young man. But for now, know that this proud mother is honored to call this boy my son!