Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Love and Disconnect...

Most of you know that I have a son whom I rarely blog about, but when I do...watch out! The reason I say this is because he is a recovering drug addict...heroin to be exact. As far as I know, he has been clean for 16 months now...from heroin...not sure about his other addictions. Yes, he has several. He is addicted to cigarettes, alcohol and not sure what else but I know he has, and probably still does, smoke  pot.

His name is Tyler. He will be 25 this month and I adore him. He's a precious soul. He was most definitely my easiest child to raise and definitely my most mellow, easy-going, laid back little peacemaker. My girls are I.N.T.E.N.S.E. (not a bad thing, actually quite humorous, just who they are) and he is the polar opposite of them. Anyway, this little peacemaker hit his late teens and decided to try heroin. I don't know the details and I guess they don't really matter. What does matter is his decision to take that first hit. It didn't just happen, it was a decision. He made it and had no idea how that one decision would affect his life and the life of the people who know and love him for years to come.

I don't have much contact with this sweet boy. Oh, we have the occasional Facebook conversation usually consisting of some post he makes with me commenting on it. We text each other about once a month and if it's a really good month, we actually speak on the phone. I think I have seen him in person maybe 10 times this entire year...and we live only about 45 minutes apart from each other. Very sad...

"Love and Disconnect"...those words come into my mind when I think of my baby boy. After all that we have been through together, this is where we have ended up. The multitude of lies, stealing, enabling, worrying, falling apart, aching, agonizing...well you get the point, I have had to remove myself from the daily goings-on in his life. I am proud of him for the good things that he is able to accomplish and no longer surprised at the stupid mistakes he still makes. Because of my inate desire to enable him, I have had to disconnect in some way and it sometimes kills me.

This is my child, my baby to be exact. This is the sweet boy who cared more for others than even himself. Who stopped his car, in a blizzard, to help total strangers who were in need. The boy who was fierce on the football field, basketball court or baseball diamond. This is the boy who was protective of his single mother and scrutinized the men I dated, issuing them a "warning of bodily harm" if they didn't treat me right (tongue in cheek). And then we lost him...not to death, to something even worse...drugs.

The gammut of emotions is impossible to list in one post. I have spent way too many hours, days even months beating myself up and blaming myself for his situation. I even almost died from a heart condition exaserbated from the stress of worrying about this child for several years. I have felt helpless and completely hopeless at times. I have isolated myself and have hidden myself from the truth because it was too impossible to acknowledge...but his choices are not a measure of anyone in his family. He does not determine my self-worth or define who I am.

Please don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on him, I just no longer know what to do. I am desperately looking for an Al Anon group to attend and maybe even some one-on-one counseling to help me. I know what NOT to do, I just don't know anymore what TO do. How do I mother this 25 year old (going on 12)? How do I help him without enabling him?

So I have found a group that meets on Wednesday nights, about 25 minutes from where I live. I am going to my first meeting in two days. I'm terrified and excited all at the same time. You see, I'M the one who now needs help. I'm the one who needs to learn how to live in this new world of mine that I did not choose, but that I have to acknowledge. I am excited, I am terrified. I know that I'm not alone and in a way that makes me sad because it makes me realize that there are other good, loving parents who have or are living the hell that I have lived. I will make it through this. Hopefully Tyler will make it through this as well. I'll keep you posted and any prayers are deeply appreciated. God bless us all!


addicted2shius said...

Oh Mary my heart goes out to you. I can somewhat relate (though not entirely to that extent). My brother is going thru some sort of "tough times" as well. I've almost given up because it hurts to see him throw his life away and it hurts to watch my parents hurt as well.

I actually turned to my MIL for advice (and hopefully it helps comfort you). She gave the obvious advice to pray but also to have faith that since they were raised in good homes, the values you enstilled will eventually resurface. Unfortunately sometimes they need to hit rock bottom to see it. But I hope that's not the case.

I hope Tyler wakes up and returns back to the same old Tyler you remember.

Barbie said...

I am so sorry. Keeping you and Tyler in prayer.

Love Being a Nonny said...

Spoken from a mom's heart that I understand. I admire you for stepping back. That is the hardest thing in the world to do. We want to fix it. We want to be one step ahead of them. We want life to be a fairy tale...it's not. I know he knows you love him. When my boys were going through their rough times, I prayed for a good girl. Yep...a good girl helps them. They want to impress her and usually a good girl makes them clean up their act. So, I will pray for a good girl for your boy...and for the mom who loves him. Thank you for sharing your heart. It makes so many others not feel alone.

Lynn said...

My heart goes out to you. I know that many mothers are in the same position as you. When you said that you were seeking a group, I was happy to let you know that there is an LDS group that meets every week no matter where we are in the world. But I see that you have found a group to go to. That is so good.

Have you seen this??



I will keep you in my prayers.

swiss said...

Are you more cracked out than Tyler? What mother would share such private and intimate information about her own son. Some things are better left unsaid. For the record, since you've "disconnected" yourself from Tyler, he has become an awesome & responsible young man! Connect the dots. MY prayer is that he never reads this, this can't do him any good.

Autumn said...

I was looking into skywest also. Could you tell me anything about it?