Monday, March 15, 2010

Images of Broken Light

Many of you know that I have one son. As a young boy, he was my EASIEST child. He had a conscience that was off the charts! He rarely needed discipline because he was a very obedient child. My biggest problem with him was his incessant "ball bouncing" in the house! I finally figured out that if a boy has a ball in his hands, he will bounce it! So I quickly found a huge basket that I placed outside in the garage. ALL balls went into that basket and we became a "No Ball Zone"...

Anyway, Tyler is my third and youngest child. After two intense, high strung girls, this laid-back, gentle boy was a very welcomed change. His sisters adored him and he was the light of our little family.

When he was 20, I received the most devastating news of my life up to that point. My husband, his daughter and I were in Las Vegas for a family wedding. My phone rang and on the other end was my tearful little man informing me that he was in jail! In JAIL?? How could this be? He was my sweet little guy who had more compassion in his little finger than most people will ever have in their entire being.

Tyler had been busted for possession of 9 balloons of heroin and paraphernalia. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? I was in shock. We made the decision to NOT cut our trip short and to allow him to sit in jail over the weekend. This was NOT an easy decision for me, but I knew that I had to make it.

This is how I found out that my son was a full-blown heroin addict. I was devastated. Words cannot begin to explain the emotions that ran through my body that day. My heart was broken...

So I have decided to write a book about my experiences with him during this intense nightmare. I have entitled it, "Images of Broken Light"...I have a long way to go and it's a painful journey because I have to relive the intense moments that were all highly emotionally charged...maybe one day I will finish. I need to...for me!

Since that fateful day, Tyler (who's now 24) and I have been through Hell together. I've actually gone on 2 drug deals with him (I didn't realize until they were happening) and I even called the police each time. We shipped him up to Idaho to live with my daughter and her husband. He works for them and works hard. While up in Idaho, he's clean however, my daughter, Brittany and I have watched him detox. We saw him throw up the most disgusting green "swamp water" puke imaginable. We have had to sit on his arms and legs (at his request) to keep his flopping limbs from flailing out of control. We watched him scream and writhe in agony as his sweat drenched body was fighting this hideous addiction. I could go on and on and on and on with grim descriptions of what we witnessed as my sweet baby boy was literally fighting for his life.

That was then, this is now.

Tyler has been clean for 11 1/2 months...this time! (He has relapsed before after a year). He maintains that Heroin is not even a thought and if we do talk about it, he is disgusted and disappointed in his behavior while under the influence. BUT, I know how drug addicts are! I have heard this all before only to find him using once again!

I'm not a pessimist, I have become a REALIST...huge difference. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of my son. He is a fighter and stronger than even he realized. But I have learned that he is vulnerable and always at risk for relapse. Now he's coming back to SLC (where he used)...

This is where prayer comes in. I have talked to him until I'm blue in the face about reconnecting with his spirituality. He knows it, he just hasn't taken that leap of faith yet. He knows that God loves him and that He understands what he is dealing with. He knows that only God can hold his hand through this journey and give him the strength to ultimately conquer this hideous demon...but he says he's not ready to turn his life over to Him...

Now as he is preparing to return to "ground zero" (Salt Lake) and I have to let go of my fears and hold on to my faith. I cannot control what happens to this boy. He is strong and says he has the resolve to never do drugs again. He has some great friends and I can only hope that he will hold on to their strength and examples and realize that ONLY through the Lord will he be able to remain clean and sober. It's a "long and winding road".

Faith has become such a dear friend to me! Now I have to once again rely on my faith and trust in a loving Father who wants what's best for this boy. I have to continue to pray vigilantly for him and stay close to him. I need to remember to share my testimony of the miracle of Jesus Christ and encourage him to dig deep into his soul and find the faith that I know he has.

Please know that if you are going through a similar situation, my heart goes out to you and I will gladly add my prayers and faith to yours...One prayer is powerful, many are more powerful. He's doing well for now...I will continue to remain postitive. When I can, I will post a bit of what I have written...Hopefully I will have a happy ending to my book!


Love Being a Nonny said...

You write with such honesty and *rawness*....I am touched by your words. Though I have been through some really tough times in my life, I have never faced this demon and pray I never have to. May God give you the faith to believe that your son will be okay. He sounds like a fighter. You are right though, he needs Jesus to capture his heart. I will pray along with you that that happens.

Lynn said...

Oh Mary. You write in such a way that all your emotions are captured and felt by your readers. My heart is beating with a little panic and desperation right now for you. I know that you are drawing as much strength from your faith that you can right now.....and sometimes that's a little scary.......I get that. I know what you mean.

Please know that I will keep your son in my thoughts and prayers too. And you......that you may feel a peace and calmness in your heart as you bravely let him go and be the man that you so desire.


Lynn said...

P.S. You are an awesome mom. Truly.

There are many that would have given up and disowned their child a long time ago after going through what you described.

Donnetta said...

What an amazing story of a mother's unconditional but tough love. I can't even begin to imagine what this has been and is like for you.

Your words of faith and belief in our God even in such things are such an encouragement and inspiration.

Congrats to him for being clean for this long. Such hard work and determination has gone into that I'm sure.

Beki - TheRustedChain said...

This is so tough for me to read.
I'm still in that "no ball zone" phase with little kids.

Prayers for your son as he fights this battle!

nancygrayce said...

I'm not sure which blog I came over from, but I have a son who will be 40 in August and had been an addict since age 15. I have been through many hard days and will pray yours will be only bright from now on!